Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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