I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
