my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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