If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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