look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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