I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
