i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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