the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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