Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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