last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
