I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He better not be in your backpack
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
