Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
