i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
