He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
