cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
