Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
