Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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