my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
