Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
