"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
