I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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