I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
