the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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