Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
