If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize