i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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