I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
