I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
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recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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