It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
