I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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