there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
