I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is it penis luge time yet?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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