There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
