benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
