How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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