He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
