i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
