I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
