I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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