Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
