I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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