Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
