im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
