Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.