8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."