This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
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I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour