at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
