I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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