I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
