i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
