i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
