No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
