do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's official drugs can't kill me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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