I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
